Chapter 1: Serving Ambition

am·bi·tion

amˈbiSH(ə)n/

noun

a strong desire to do or to achieve something, typically requiring determination and hard work.

synonyms: aspiration, intention, goal, aim, objective, object, purpose, intent, plan, desire, wish, design, target, dream, desire and determination to achieve success. Drive, determination, enterprise, initiative, eagerness, motivation, resolve, enthusiasm, zeal, hunger, commitment, a sense of purpose; informal get-up-and-go.

The Birth of Selfish Ambition

For me, dreaming was an escape from reality. It was a chance to hope that my present could change and that what I saw wasn't going to be forever -- giving me hope for a better tomorrow. The gateway to truly dream about my future and be master over my tomorrow was given to me by a teacher at a summer internship I did when I was just thirteen years old. 

"I want you to take the next forty-five minutes and dream. Answer this question: if everyone was paid the exact same amount of money, no matter what career path they chose or what they did, what would you choose to do for the rest of your life?"

Quiet, peaceful, classical music played in the background for the next hour as we wrote and visualized perfection. This was the birth of new creativity for me. I was entering a place in my imagination that couldn't be criticized by another's words or feelings. I was free to think, to feel, to create. So I did. 

I created my own world. I dreamed about my career in ministry and how I would travel the world, speak in front of thousands of people, and write best-selling books. I dreamed about the house I would come home to and the decor for each room. I imagined it so well, I felt like I could touch the very paint on the walls, the beautifully stained wood floors, and the perfectly carved sculptures.

The more I wrote, the more I felt like I was flying. The more I flew, the more I knew I never wanted to live walking again. In my imagination, I could create with God and (like Him) I had the power to make something out of nothing. Anything I could visualize in my mind was possible to have in my hand.

Once I realized that, I felt powerful -- I felt strong. My chest stuck out further and my head held higher. I believed I could create anything I wanted to and I wasn’t going to let anyone stop me. You could say I had goals, but it was more than a goal to me. It was more than a picture I had cut out and taped to the back of my bedroom door.

I could hear thousands of people cheering my name and see them taking pictures of me. I felt confidence come over me when they laughed at my jokes and were changed by my words. I saw myself flying on a plane and assisting someone – traveling around the world starting huge organizations and programs for the Kingdom of God.

I was beyond inspired. I was determined to accomplish what I saw and bring it to pass. I was proud of myself for what I had seen. I had dreamed with God (so I felt) and knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life at the early age of thirteen. (How awesome is that?!) I said to myself, “If I have such a clear picture of what I want now, how quickly can I make this happen?”

The timer went off in class. I had just come out of a world of flying and realized I was sitting in a room with twelve other people. I wondered if they had a vivid picture of their future like I had. I wondered if anyone else felt as free as I did. I wondered if anyone else felt the same abrupt interruption out of imagination into reality like I did.

I handed in my worksheet wondering what the facilitator would think of my lofty goals. Part of me was concerned. Part of me hoped he wouldn’t actually read it but just skim over it. Part of me wondered what he would think. Part of me didn’t care. I had found gold and I was excited to live with it.

To my surprise, weeks later I got my worksheet back with a big “A” written on the top of it! In those days, I lived life feeling like I was flying and I wanted to help others fly too. That workshop was one of many unique experiences during the internship.

I learned so much about myself, about ministry, and about God. It was an experience I became addicted to. I loved it so much I participated every summer for the next three years, and when the internship program was no longer available, I volunteered at church almost every waking moment I had.

I was homeschooled, so my schedule was flexible enough to allow me to do that. Many people probably thought I was crazy, but it didn’t matter to me. It didn’t matter how many hours it took me or how many late nights. I was going after something. I was chasing a dream.

Looking back, I don’t think I was ambitious to serve God in ministry. I was ambitious to see my goals come to pass and I was willing to do whatever it took.

At a very young age, I had learned the importance of keeping goals in front of me and the science of writing down goals every day. The more I did it, the more I realized my life was moving in the direction of what I saw. Before I knew it, five years of extreme volunteering was behind me and I was now a full-time employee in the ministry.

Although I didn’t start out doing exactly what I wanted to do, it didn’t matter because I knew in my heart I would accomplish what I wanted. The first year I was in admin, the second year I was helping Bible College, by the third year I was doing what I loved – creating.

I was assisting the pastor who was responsible for all major services, conferences, and events. I was given so many opportunities to create. I learned video editing, event planning, volunteer recruitment, and even a bit of maintenance and kitchen duties too. I was living my dream, to a degree. There was just one thing missing – mulla.

The Hustle.

Eventually, the organization (like any other) went through structural changes. Positions had to be moved around and I was moved to a department that I did not enjoy. I hated it, actually, because it was nowhere near what I wanted. I felt like I was so close to finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and then someone came and snatched me from my treasure hunt, stuck me in a prison, and gave me no clues as to how long I’d be there.  I stuck it out and learned a big lesson in attitude adjustment and trusting God with my future instead of a person, but there was still something deep down inside that pushed me towards the idea of building my own business. In my mind, that was true freedom. My salary could be determined by me and I wouldn’t have to be boxed in by what someone else wanted me to do. I could be free to do what I wanted to do in ministry and help who I wanted to help.

So then I got this big idea-- what if I build a business on the side and do ministry full time? I’ve seen some successful businessmen do ministry before. If they could do it, why couldn’t I? Now, being in a position I didn’t enjoy so much was tolerable because I had a plan to get out: build the business, take myself off salary, and volunteer at church. Boom! It was reasonable and doable. Now it was only a matter of time.

With my media talents and skills in place, I began (little by little) doing video editing for motivational speakers and people in my church who wanted to begin a full-time career in speaking but needed help with video to promote their brand.

For about three years, I hustled. And I hustled hard. I would work in ministry for forty to eighty hours a week and then squeeze in another twenty plus hours freelancing for individuals and small businesses. I was working myself like a dog to get that extra couple grand here and there. There were many sleepless nights which turned into a sick body that lacked energy during the day. I was getting tired. But I kept going because I was building something.  

What I hoped God was doing in my life wasn’t happening as quickly as I wanted it to, so I took matters into my own hands. I spent a lot of money on my business. I was spending almost all of my money on personal coaching, software for my business, and product development. I was breaking even but had no profit. More about that later.

You can call it goal setting. You can call it ambition. You can call it drive. But no matter what label you put on my desire for wealth, for me it was rooted in fear. I was willing to do whatever it took because I was afraid. I was so afraid of not having anything, I was willing to do whatever it took to get prosperity – with or without God. In previous years my family had lost everything. My Dad lost his six-figure job pursuing a venture capital business that fell through which in turn left the family rebuilding. I remember hoping the rebuilding process wouldn’t take very long but ten years later, I will still praying the same prayer with what felt like little progress.

There are so many things I pursued out of fear of not having it rather than because I really believed I was loved by God and that he wanted it for me. I think God takes you on a journey of doing things out of drive and desire but then takes you through a process of transforming your heart and your motive to make you more like Jesus. God is gracious and loving in that He allows you to recognize areas that need help so you can ask for His help to address it. 

Fast-forward to 2014. My parents got new jobs in Arizona and my family of six was turning into a family of two staying in Chicago. Just me and my sister. I struggled financially to meet deadlines, save, and stay afloat. I was making extra money but putting that money right back into my business to hopefully get my “big break” and make it big.

In my heart, I knew it was the right thing for me to stay in Chicago because I felt somewhat called to help our church transition into the next phase. So I stayed. I had a vision and a goal. I was sure of what the future would look like because I had laid everything out.

The Trip That Changed My Life

Then something happened. Through a friend of a friend, I had an opportunity to attend a conference in California with about two hundred motivational speakers. I was invited to speak and sell my product and would be the only video editor there. This was a huge opportunity because the invitation was coming from one of the most famous youth motivational speakers in the US.

It was a $5,000 investment which was a big price tag, but in my mind, this opportunity was guaranteed to get me more business and take me to the next level financially. Part of me was nervous about spending that kind of money on an opportunity like this, but part of me knew I had to take the risk and go otherwise I’d never know what could have happened. This was it – this was the opportunity I had been waiting for and dreaming about.

My parents were supportive, my business coaches were supportive, some of my other mentors were hesitant, but I didn’t care. At the time, I was living with a couple named Justin and Sarah (both of whom were my mentors) who had recently taken me in like I was a part of their family since most of mine lived in Arizona. When I told them about it, they didn’t think it was the best idea. In fact, they didn’t have a good feeling about the risk and thought I shouldn’t do it. Sarah didn’t want to see me get hurt or regret spending so much money with no guarantee of return. She was a successful business woman herself and, as much as I wanted to ignore it, anything she had ever suggested I do was always right. Even when I wanted her to be wrong, she was never wrong. Mind you, Justin and Sarah had been in my life since I was thirteen years old and never once steered me wrong.

I was torn between two worlds. One part of me was saying “You have to do this. If you don’t do this now, you’ll never achieve your goals.” Another part of me was saying, “What if she’s right? What if things don’t go well and I don’t make any money?”

So I decided to go. I took money out of my 401K and I had other freelance projects that helped pay for the rest. I was stretching it big time. It took me a while, but I got there. But I didn’t tell Justin and Sarah I was still going. They knew I was traveling to California, I just left the business venture part out of it. I didn’t want to have a confrontation about it. I knew their opinion, but I had made up my mind to stick by my decision.

So I went. And I absolutely crushed my fifteen-minute presentation. The leader of the conference said it was one of the best presentations he had ever heard and I had a line of about thirty people interested in my product special afterward! The thing was,  I had a lot of interested clients, but no deal closers. A lot of promises, but no commitments. What I thought was my golden opportunity turned out to be the worst financial decision I had ever made.

I couldn’t believe it. I just spent more than $5,000 to venture out and try something I had never done before and came back dry. Not only that, now I had to go home and face the fact that I had lied to some people I respected. Well, I didn’t technically lie. I just left something out (at least that’s what I told myself).

I came home feeling like I wanted to shrivel up and die. They were right and I was wrong. I had disappointed leaders in my life who had never steered me wrong and, quite frankly, I had lied to them. I felt terrible. I couldn’t sleep and I could hardly eat anything for days.

Needless to say, I had a very eye-opening conversation with Justin and Sarah which helped me see where I went wrong. For the first time in a long time I had to come to grips with myself. I was looking in a mirror and seeing flaws in my character I had never seen before. My mind was racing trying to figure out how I could fix this. Where was the undo button? How could I go back and start over?

Two weeks later Justin and Sarah’s basement flooded, which left me with no room. So I had to go stay with a friend and sleep on her air mattress for a few months while their basement was being remodeled. It definitely wasn’t the most comfortable, but it was good for me to be away and think things through.

A couple weeks after that, our youth group leader asked me and my friend to be counselors at summer camp, and we agreed to go. I knew in my heart I needed to go. I was searching for an answer to my problems and I felt like I was going to get that answer at camp. But (as luck would have it) an hour before we were suppose to leave for camp, the friend I was staying with asked me to get her a coffee and when I came back, I got in a car accident and totaled my car. I couldn’t believe this. Are you kidding me?!

My parents were in another state. My mentors were disappointed in me. I was sleeping on an air mattress. My belongings were all over the place because I was living between two houses. And now my paid-for car was totaled an hour before I was suppose to go to summer camp! I felt like my life was breaking down and nothing was going as planned.

I was frustrated and I was mad at God. I made it through the car accident and drove separately with my friend to make it to camp. But anytime I was alone, I was wondering how I was going to get everything fixed and stressing out about so many things -- my finances, my character, my business, my life.

A Heart Transplant

The Saturday afternoon of camp, Jim (one of the youth leaders) spoke a message on authority that radically changed my life. It deeply convicted me because I was processing his points in light of my internal fear, frustration, and anger, towards God. I felt so convicted -- I could hardly breathe without bursting into tears. At that very moment, he did an altar call asking people to come forward who wanted a change of heart towards authority. Ha! How ironic. There was no way I was going up there. I was supposed to be the youth leader. I was supposed to be the one giving help, not needing help. Then Jim looked right at me with very strong, confident eyes and told me to come and pray for the people up front. I literally broke down like a baby. It broke me. God was asking me to give something I didn’t have. How could I pray for them when I wasn’t right in my heart? I was hesitant, but obediently walked up behind many students who were on their knees crying out to God. As soon as my hand hit the shoulder of one, my heart flooded with emotion and my eyes welled up with tears. I dropped to my knees and wept for what felt like hours. As I wept, I could feel release from all of the anger and frustration I was holding inside.

It was as if God took my rock-hard heart in the palm of His hand and crushed it into dust, then took that dust and mixed it with the water of His love and mercy, molded the clay into a new heart, breathed life on it, and let it beat again. But this time it wasn’t beating for me. It was beating for Him.

This time, it wasn’t about what I wanted. It was about my relationship with God. I realized in that moment that everything that happened to me wasn’t about what I did -- It wasn’t that the trip was a bad idea or that I was a bad person who had major flaws in honesty. The root issue was much deeper than that. I was lacking faith in a God who promised me something. If I was truly honest, God had disappointed me. I was mad at my Father God and I needed to be restored in relationship with Him. There was an area in my life that lacked His perfect love because fear was present.

When I reached that point of honesty, healing started. I wanted God -- and I wanted nothing else. I was tired of pursuing things and feeling empty. I was tired of chasing things: money, status, fame, approval, acceptance from people who love me one day and hate me the next. 

In that altar call moment, I had caught a glimpse of true love. I had tasted true passion and true purpose and my heart longed for that every day. I truly believe that, once you taste the goodness of the Lord, you don't want anything else. From that point on, I began a journey of pursuing one thing-- a deep, intimate, love relationship with my Father God. And I was never the same.

This experience set the course for the next season of my life. Every day, my heart cried, “Lord, I’m chasing you and I will find you!”